We're Here to Talk About Feelings

An interview with a fellow Enneagram 4:

 This is an interview with a fellow Enneagram 4 (and my dear friend), Hannah Zello.Hannah and I met as publishing interns at David C Cook. What began as a connection over mutual passions for books, writing, music, coffee, and food turned into a deep friendship. Hannah’s the sort of friend whose gentle presence reflects the love of Christ, making you feel seen, known, and loved.In a casual mention of the Enneagram, we discovered another commonality: our personality type. This prompted conversation on feelings, personality, and the ways we interact with others.As a continuation of "Life as an Enneagram 4," this offers more insight into the (emotional, complicated) world of this Enneagram type.(Hannah's answers to my questions are below the headings. My comments on Hannah's answers–and whether or not they're also true of me as a 4–are in italics.) 

What is it like, in your experience, to be a 4?

 Growing up, I was unaware of how emotional I was compared to others. When I look back now, though, I see that I've always been very in tune with my thoughts and feelings: 

• I have high emotional sensitivity, both for myself and for others.
  • Absolutely. It's both a blessing and a curse to "feel all the feelings" internally whilst trying to remain composed.

• I need to create, whether it's journaling, writing, or another form of expression. It helps me make sense of the world around me. When thoughts are on paper, they're out of my head.
  • I echo this sentiment. If I don't write and create–even something as simple as journaling–I get a "creative itch" that must be satisfied.

• l'm always in tune with my thoughts and feelings.
  • Yes. Always. My inner world is a constant swirl of emotions.

• I have a deep desire to be seen as unique. Before becoming self-aware, this looked like comparing myself to others. ("Well, at least I'm more creative than her.") Since discovering I'm a 4—and what that means—I've learned to demonstrate my uniqueness through my creativity and care for others.
  • For me, this comparison arises not from a need to feel superior to others, but simply from a need to feel different. It doesn't threaten me when people are talented, so long as I have something that is "mine".

• I, like many 4s, create a "fantasy self" of who I want to become and how I want people to perceive me. (For example, aspiring to write novels expressing my creativity and displaying for others how special I am. This fantasy self can be incredibly motivating.)
  • I also create a "fantasy self," often involving picturing myself as a successful writer.

• Sometimes I'm too sensitive and take things way too personally. Acknowledging this about myself, though, helps me to get out of the pattern.
  • I agree that self-awareness is key in not taking things more personally than they were intended. It's not an art I've mastered by any means, but consciously asking myself, "Is this what this person meant?" has saved many wounded feelings.

 

How does your personality affect relationships?

Even though I'm emotionally aware to know what I'm feeling and why, I often still act on my emotions. An example of this is a game most 4s play, often referenced as "hide and seek". Hide and seek is my life.We test the affections of the people around us by concealing pieces of ourselves and waiting to see if the other person seeks to know those parts of us. (In our minds, their pursuit means we're worth loving and knowing deeply.) Sometimes this "hide and seek" goes too far, though, passive-aggressively putting the other person at an unfair advantage because they don't know what they want from us.However, 4s have lots of positive things to bring to the relational table. We're good at empathetic listening, reading people, and serving them based on what they need.Hide and Seek has also been a large part of my life, though I'm working on it. Now that I'm aware of how I hide as a means of self-protection, I consciously seek to be vulnerable and let people in, even when it's the harder choice. 

In what way does being a 4 affect you spiritually?

I find myself operating on a works-based system of earning worth. I try to do a lot to set myself apart and prove to the Lord that I'm worthy of love and acceptance. It's a mindset I'm aware of and work through regularly. He loves me unconditionally, regardless of what I think I bring. Accepting his unconditional love–a love I don't need to earn–has been incredibly powerful in my relationship with the Lord. When I catch myself trying to earn his affection and acceptance, he lovingly reminds me that he has so much more than a transactional relationship.  

What are 4 things not to say to a 4?

1. "You don't understand (blank)." (Especially when it's said condescendingly as though we'll never understand. We want to understand. We will understand.)
2. "You should feel (blank) about (blank)." (Don't tell us how to feel!)
3. "You are what you produce." (We want to be valued by who we are, not what we do.)
4. "Any form of criticism that's not constructive and is just coarse and mean." (What are we supposed to do with that?)

 PLEASE don't say these things to a 4. (I would argue that they're not life-giving words to most people, but the internal implications for a 4 are greater than they seem.)

What do 4s need to hear often?

1. "Any form of 'tell me what's on your mind and heart.'" (We have a deep-seated desire to be known.)
2. "I like you no matter what." (We need to know that we are loved and accepted, especially when we've been vulnerable enough to share who we are with you.)

I believe that everyone (4s especially) needs to be reminded that they're seen, heard, loved, and accepted. It was a joy talking with Hannah about this piece of our lives, and I hope our conversation shed light on the illusive world of Enneagram 4s.