Finding Myself

An interview with an Enneagram 9.

I love Megan.She is kind and selfless, loving the people around her well. She has excellent taste in books and coffee. She speaks her mind and seeks justice. She creates fictional characters and scenes with an ease many writers only dream of.Megan also happens to be a nine on the Enneagram and offers insight into the world of "the peacemaker". We had a rich, long conversation about her life as a 9, and these are some of the highlights: 

What does it look like to be a 9?

It's a journey of asking, "What does it look like to be me?" versus latching onto others and living through them.Being a 9 is a fog—you're present, but unable to really see anything you're experiencing. To get out of this fog, we need people who can see when we're slipping into the fog and who will lovingly force us to be self-aware.We're great listeners who see other people's perspectives and seek to understand.Our ability to listen and understand, however, means we're often asleep to who we are, and by extension, we only live "half alive" to who we're created to be. 

9s have a unique ability to put themselves "in the shoes" of other numbers. What's that like?

Being like other people is easy. It's our first nature. Helping make other people's dreams happen is like living out our own.Rather than those in the heart triad (2s, 3s, & 4s), we feel your pain like it's our own–not as an extension of our own, but in place of our own. Living out our emotions through others is our catharsis.Our ability to be empathetic is a gift, but when we use it as an excuse to be numb to our own emotions–to who we are–we become "self-forgetful".

 

9s are often characterized as having a "sloth" mentality about their own dreams. What does that look like for you?

My whole life has been catered to the people around me. I focus on making sure others are okay because it's easier than making sure I'm okay. This can lead to emotional breakdowns and feeling like a sloth.The sloth mentality happens when I become asleep to myself and overwhelmed by feelings I don't understand. I feel like I don't have time to understand what I'm feeling, so I distract myself instead. (Self-care feels hard, so I take measures to avoid pain and self-actualization.) 

What are some of the best parts of being a 9?

We see the world through others' eyes. We bring a peaceful presence that offers people rest and acceptance. We are good friends and listeners. We're authentic and seek to understand. 9s just want to listen and walk with you through your experiences. 

Are there parts of this personality type you wish you didn't have?

I withdraw a lot, unintentionally hurting others. I don't withdraw to hurt people–it's a by-product of internally trying to find myself.I also wish I could be more assertive. I think 9s are the most controllable numbers when we're more unhealthy, but we just want to be secure. strong, and know what we want. Sometimes it just takes us a long time to get there.   

What do 9s need to hear often?

We need to have identity spoken into us—we need it the most because we forget who we are.We also need to be told that we're loved for who we are, not just for the fact that we're easy to be around. 

How do you as a 9 feel loved?

I need the people around me to show up for me. I try so hard to constantly be there for others and live out their lives that I get lost. I need people to show up in the hard ways of speaking truth and walking beside me.I need to know it's okay for me to have time and space to figure out what I feel and who I am.What we need to hear is the same as how we need to be loved: that we're loved for who we are, not how we make others feel.

I'll end this post by sharing an excerpt of Megan's beautiful, insightful writing about being a 9:.

I say to myself, "I am this bed, this car, this book shelf. The bed was someone else's, the bookshelf was made by someone else and the car had many owners before me."

I say to myself, "I am these people I am surrounded by. All too soon the people around me start to fill me. I become little glints of them and my me is gone."

I say to myself, "I am what I left behind. My family. The people that I had been rooted in for so long. They have had their time with me. I have been left out to dry."

I say to myself I am nobody. I just shift and mold around what I think you want.

I say to myself I don’t need to be someone.

To be someone is to be rejected.

To be someone is to feel scared.

To be someone costs too much.

To be someone is beyond me.

I don’t have time to become who I am supposed to be. I have wasted too much time and do not deserve anymore.

I am afraid of what will come out. I am afraid of who I am without someone looking into me. 

What if there is nothing there?

What if I am not the person I thought I was?

What if I am really a terrible person?

What if omyGoodness, my six is showing.