The Enneagram and Marriage: 4 & 7
Josh (Enneagram 7) and Hannah (Enneagram 4) are dear friends. Their marriage has been a sweet example of sacrificial love and mutual pursuit of God. Interviewing them was a delight!
How does your spouse challenge you to grow?
Hannah: As a 4, my perspective tends to be really narrow sometimes because it’s largely based on what I'm feeling in that moment. I run the risk of forgetting other facts and things about the situation that don’t align with my current feeling. Josh helps me maintain a broader perspective on life. He reminds me of the good things outside of my momentary emotion.
Josh: Perhaps because of a mixture of being a 7 and my upbringing, but I don’t know if I’m good at affirming “negative feelings.” I put on rose-colored glasses on a lot, but being married to a 4 has helped me know that I can rest and feel feelings that are not “positive.”
How does your spouse help you see a more complete image of God?
Hannah: Josh has a certain grace and forgiveness for people that I wish I had. He has the freedom to move on from conflict and not dwell on it. I tend to sit and stew in it. Josh reminds me that it’s alright to forgive people and move on. It not only benefits the other person, but it’s good for me too. I want to move on when people hurt me, and Josh helps me do so in healthy ways, choosing to love the way God continues to choose love.
Josh: I think for me it’s similar to what I said about negative emotions. God’s not just a joyful God, although He is joyful. He is a God who mourns, who feels, who can be grieved. I tend to live my life focusing on the joy, but there is a time to grieve and mourn and feel other things beyond joy. Hannah shows me what this looks like. She challenges me to think through those things and have permission to feel all the healthy feelings.
How does knowing the Enneagram help you grow closer as a couple?
Hannah: It’s really easy when someone’s different from you to think something’s wrong with them. Having language and understanding for why people are different helps me understand a different kind of beauty. It’s a whole other world, and the more I understand it, the more I appreciate it.
Josh: I think it helps us see who we are and who the other is. It sounds simplified, but now I know my strengths and weaknesses along with Hannah’s. We’ve grown in knowing about what makes us individuals. There’s beauty in that.
How does your opposite orientation to time affect the way you make plans?
(Quick reference on each number's orientation: 4, 5, and 9—past-oriented; 3, 7, and 8— future-oriented; 1, 2, and 6—present-oriented.)
Hannah: Most of our social engagements and outings are things that Josh plans. He’s future focused and thinking ahead. I’m slower to make plans because I have to make space mentally for it. I have to budget time to be alone and have space to recharge before making plans.
For example: When Josh gets home from work and we’re catching each other up on our days, he bounces from one subject to the other. I’m like “whoa slow down.” I’m still in the past of what you told me 2 minutes ago.
Josh: I’m always planning ahead. I have in my mind a picture of the next week’s calendar in my head.
What do you think your individual strengths bring to your marriage?
Hannah: Even though 4s are very emotional, we crave a certain amount of calm and peace. We want to create an atmosphere that’s calm and peaceful. The tendency to sit and be and make space to just breathe is something that we’ve gotten better at as a couple since we’ve been married. I can remind us to just be and rest. I also think I have an ability to see the beauty in mundane things.
Josh: I find humor in the mundane, everyday stuff of life. I also have a healthy element of spontaneity. I tend to want stuff done quickly so we can move forward into the future plan I have in my brain. I want to do things now and plan ahead to make sure I’m ready for the next thing.
"Hannah can show me the beauty of God and what He’s made, and I can show Hannah the joy of God and who He is.”
How does understanding each other’s strengths and weaknesses affect your relationship?
Hannah: For the first few years of our relationship, Josh either wasn’t offended by me or didn’t allow himself to feel offended. He was afraid of those negative feelings. Now, I can give him a safe space to feel. I also have a better understanding of his behaviors. When Josh does certain things, I know he's hurt or uncomfortable. This helps me identify my words or behaviors that could be potentially hurtful.
Josh: Talking about when I'm hurt or offended has never come easily to me. Hannah helps me talk about my pain. I also tend to not slow down and enjoy moments, which is a strength of Hannah’s. She shows me when and how to slow down. When she's slowing down too much, I know when to tug her hand and let her know when it’s okay to move on.
This post is the first in an Enneagram and Marriage series. I'm curious to see how couples choose each other (do most couples share a line on the Enneagram? A wing? A stance or time orientation?), as well as how the Enneagram influences their relationship with God and each other.