The Enneagram and Marriage: 1 & 4
This week's "Enneagram and Marriage" features Joe (Enneagram 1) and me (Enneagram 4).
How does your spouse challenge you to grow?
Micah: Joe challenges me to grow with his quiet strength. He gently calls me out of my emotional headspace to see the truth. I call him "the string to my kite" because of how he anchors me in truth and reality.
Joe: Micah helps me to explore my emotions beyond "I'm fine" or "I'm frustrated"—and she helps me see that I'm allowed to feel what I'm feeling, even if I'm having what some would call "negative emotions."
How do they help you see a more complete image of God?
Micah: I see a more constant image of God through Joe. In my world, feelings feel like facts. But God doesn't change whenever my feelings do. Joe helps me see a God who remains constant.
Joe: Through Micah, I'm able to see the full range of our emotional God. He is a God of truth and order. But he's also a God who rejoices and weeps along with us. Micah helps me to experience that aspect of Him.
How does your opposite orientation to time affect your relationship?
(Quick reference on each number’s orientation: 4, 5, and 9—past-oriented; 3, 7, and 8— future-oriented; 1, 2, and 6—present-oriented.)
Micah: Being oriented to the past is both a blessing and a curse. I'm always drawing on past experiences before acting in the present. Considering the past isn't always bad, but Joe challenges me to enjoy each moment, rather than staying stuck in days gone by.
Joe: As someone present-oriented, it's really easy for me to focus on the here and now. Micah's past orientation brings a romantic aspect to everything. For example, she'll say over dinner, "Remember the first time we ate Chinese food together?" Her past orientation transports me to great memories.
What do you think your strengths bring to the table?
Joe: I find the truth in every situation, which brings a balance to Micah's emotional intuition.
I also see things for what they should be, not just for what they are. This fits really well with Micah's idealistic nature. Together, we can create a vision for what things should be and could be—and we can work towards that.
Micah: I bring a broad emotional spectrum to our relationship. More than that, though, I bring the gift of reflection—drawing on the past for wisdom in the present.
I'm also really comfortable in places of longing. Stress can cause me to misplace my hope by longing for the wrong things, but when I'm healthy, I reflect the longing for His kingdom in a world that needs hope.
How does understanding each other’s strengths and weaknesses affect your relationship?
Joe: Knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses helps us to know pretty quickly when the other's stressed. When I become dramatic, Micah knows I'm overwhelmed, allowing her to show me grace, rather than getting annoyed.
Micah: I think knowing strengths and weaknesses also provides the opportunity for deeper love. Not only do I know how to love Joe well because I know who he is, I also know his actions towards me are in love. For example, when he calls me to a balance of truth and emotion, he's not being critical. He loves me enough to help me grow.
How does knowing the Enneagram help you grow closer together?
Micah: The Enneagram has been a great tool. I know when Joe's secure and when he's stressed. I know how to challenge him to grow and how to love him well. It's truly a gift.
Joe: I think the Enneagram has been a great tool for wisdom as we grow individually and together. It's also been invaluable for grace and understanding when we don't see eye to eye.
This post is the first in an Enneagram and Marriage series. I’m curious to see how couples choose each other (do most couples share a line on the Enneagram? A wing? A stance or time orientation?), as well as how the Enneagram influences their relationship with God and each other.