Codependency Isn’t Love

The Church can be a beautiful example of biblical love and serving others. Sadly, though, I’ve also experienced the Church making excuses for unhealthy behavior under the label of “love.”

This may sound dramatic, but take a minute to think about it. The Church spends a lot of time talking about the importance of love and what it is, but we rarely clarify what love is not.

Codependency

Codependency, described by Mental Health America as “relationship addiction,” is the inability to be okay unless the other person in the relationship is okay. The codependent person needs to feel needed, and therefore, sacrifices time and emotional energy to help “fix” the other person. Only when the other person is okay can the codependent person feel whole and secure.

Clearly, this is unhealthy and problematic for a plethora of reasons. We’re not meant to fix other people. We don’t need to feel needed by other people in order to have close and loving relationships. Our emotional wellbeing shouldn’t be contingent on another person’s mood.

And yet, codependency is easy to slip into. Especially in Christian circles, the lines between loving sacrifice and unhealthy behavior get blurred. We may even be praised (by others who fail to recognize our unhealthy behavior) for the way we “help” others.

While we certainly want to care about other people and offer love and support in healthy ways, our ability to be okay shouldn’t be affected. Sadly, I’ve seen this unhealthy behavior play out numerous times in Christian spheres, but below are a couple of my firsthand experiences.

An example of past codependency in my personal life:

For a long time, my job was to support my mom. If I didn’t maintain a 4.0 grade average, bleach my hair, maintain a specific weight, wear the right clothes, help out enough around the house enough, participate in the right hobbies, and have enough popularity, she was disappointed and cold towards me. This reaction, in turn, escalated my anxiety and made it impossible for me to be okay. On the outside, I “honored and obeyed my parents,” but on the inside, I was a mess. Other people reinforced this behavior by commenting on what a “good kid” I was.

But my behavior was an attempt to appease my mom so that I could feel okay, making it extremely codependent.

An example of past codependency in my ministry life:

In ministry, it can be ridiculously easy to fall into codependent behavior under the guise of helping others. I’ve certainly had Young Life girls who always seem to have a crisis. They struggle emotionally and call and text constantly to unpack everything bad that’s happened to them this week. And so, I feel the need to constantly respond to every message—so they don’t walk away from community, from Young Life, from Jesus.

This behavior masquerades as caring for students who need the love of Jesus, when really, it’s engaging with students because I’ll feel too guilty about setting boundaries. Not only is this unhealthy, but it’s not actually love. Responding out of guilt, out of trying to “fix” someone else, out of needing to “earn” our way to being okay isn’t real love.

Moving on from Codependency

In my experience, moving on from unhealthy patterns of behavior starts with recognizing unhealthy behavior and setting boundaries. (And counseling…)

It’s then helpful to learn what emotionally healthy love and relationships actually look like. Looking at the life of Jesus is always a good place to start. I also highly recommend the Emotionally Healthy Relationships course.

Lastly, it’s critical for us to keep each other accountable to real love, rather than counterfeits. When we stop labeling unhealthy behavior and codependency as “love” and instead call them what they really are, we’re speaking the truth.

The truth, after all, is love. And it sets us free.

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
-John 8:32 (CSB)

Think of it this way: Because Jesus loves us, He calls us out of destructive patterns of behavior. To truly love others, then, we need to call them out of (rather than reinforcing) unhealthy behavior.

Biblical Love

Counter to codependent relationships, biblical love says that we can be okay—not because of another person, but because of Jesus. Only through Him can we truly be whole.

Yes, we’re called to follow Jesus’ example by living and loving sacrificially for the sake of others. But we’re also called to follow His example by depending on our Father to tell us who we are, rather than finding out worth in other people emotionally depending on us.

We can be okay because in Jesus, we’re already loved, already enough, already whole.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t live in community and love other people. We were created for relationship! However, I am saying that rather codependence or total independence, we can learn to model Jesus’ love and live in healthy interdependence.