What is Reconciliation?
The word reconciliation conjures mostly negative memories for me—not because it’s a bad thing, but because the idea of reconciliation was used to manipulate me in an abusive situation.
In healthy situations, reconciliation looks like two parties sharing openly about their grievances, forgiving hurts, and moving on with the relationship in healthy ways.
In unhealthy situations, however, “reconciliation” can be used synonymously with “moving on and pretending like nothing happened.”
For years, my mentally ill parent has accused me of being a bad daughter and Christian for not wanting to “reconcile,” when actually, my parent wanted me to ignore abuse and go back to a manipulative and controlling situation.
I offered up true reconciliation in the form of attending family counseling, wanting sincere apologies for years of abuse, and needing to see changed behavior before trust and healing could take place. However, this true (and difficult to achieve) reconciliation isn’t actually what my parent wanted. Instead, they wanted control and the appearance of everything being “okay” again.
Defining Reconciliation
In order to pursue true and healthy reconciliation in relationships, it’s helpful to explore what it actually means.
We learn from Scripture that the greatest reconciliation of all takes place between God and His people:
“Once you were alienated and hostile in your minds as expressed in your evil actions. But now he has reconciled you by his physical body through his death, to present you holy, faultless, and blameless before him”
—Colossians 1:21–22
As God’s people, then, we have the opportunity to practice being reconciled to others just as God has reconciled us to Himself.
However, it’s important to clearly define what reconciliation is and isn’t. I often hear the term used as a casual synonym for “it’s all good” or “we’re okay.” But real reconciliation is more than smoothing over hurt feelings; it requires a change in both heart and behavior.
Reconciliation isn’t:
going back to an abusive situation
ignoring hurt and pain
pretending that certain events didn’t happen
agreeing to have no boundaries
Reconciliation can’t happen with an abusive person while the abuse continues. Turning a blind eye to repeated patterns of hurt isn’t reconciliation, and isn’t God’s design for relationships. His heart is never for you to be a repeated victim of manipulation, pain, or abuse in the name of “reconciliation.”
Reconciliation requires (on the part of the aggressor):
apologizing sincerely and seeking forgiveness
showing repentance and turning away from the hurtful behavior
demonstrating consistent, positive changes in their actions
respecting and abiding by set boundaries
True reconciliation requires a turning away from harmful actions, conscious decisions to make healthy choices and treat others with Christlike love, dignity, and respect. While it doesn’t require the aggressor to be perfect (because no one is), it does require demonstrable actions towards positive change.
We don’t have to settle for fake, cheapened versions of reconciliation. Instead, we can do the hard and beautiful work of fighting for true change and emotional health in our relationships.
More Resources on Emotional Health
If you want to dive deeper into emotional health or are looking to pursue healthy relationships, I highly recommend these resources.
