Self-Denial as Self-Preservation

Dear child of a mentally ill and abusive parent—

Self-denial isn’t a sustainable way of self-preservation. 

Denying your needs to avoid being abused can only work for so long.

As someone who grew up with a mentally ill and abusive parent, I’m intimately aware of the pressure to ignore your own needs in favor of your parent’s.

For years, I used how little time and effort I spent on things that mattered to me as currency, proof of my devotion to my abusive parent and their agenda. I neglected truly caring for myself and my needs as a way to survive. 

I fought through anxiety and physical illness to succeed academically, look good, and emotionally caretake my abusive parent. Even my hobbies and leisure time activities had become ways to earn my parent’s approval and make them proud. There were no activities or pockets of time solely for my own pleasure or care.

It’s easy to look back and realize the unhealth of those patterns and feel disappointed that I played into them. But I’ve chosen instead to have compassion for the scared kid who was surviving an impossible situation the best way she knew how.

I eventually hit a breaking point—burned out by years of ignoring my body’s desperate signals for rest, solitary time, joy, sleep, and greatly reduced stress levels. Self-denial as self-preservation was no longer a viable option, and I turned instead to the hard work of setting hard boundaries and healing decades’ worth of emotional wounds.

Through therapy and boundaries and self-care, I learned part of healing is attuning to your own needs and desires, recognizing their value, and prioritizing and voicing them in healthy ways.

Now, I’m not equating healing with hedonism or suggesting we adopt a lifestyle of doing whatever we want whenever we want.

I’m also not saying we shouldn’t care about other people’s needs or make sacrifices for those we love. However, habitually ignoring our needs in order to survive isn’t sustainable, healthy, or fair. Running ourselves ragged to prove devotion to another person is a sign of an extremely unhealthy relationship.

I want to recognize the very real safety concerns that cause people to self-preserve in this way, and I’d never suggest putting yourself in harm’s way. Self-denial isn’t sustainable in the longterm, but I understand it can be a means of safety in the present. If this is your situation, my hope and prayer is that you can set boundaries and get to a safe place so you can begin considering your own needs.

Friends, may we attune to the needs of bodies, minds, and spirits and meet them—because contrary to the messaging we received from mentally ill and abusive parents, our needs matter.