Behavioral Signs of Abuse &Trauma
Trauma and abuse often reveal themselves in non-physical ways.
While they can certainly present physically (bruises, self-harm, etc.), my trauma “tells” are behavioral. Because these signs of trauma can be more subtle, they’re usually harder to identify.
I didn’t understand I was exhibiting these signs until I went to therapy and began healing in a safe environment. Even then, I noticed the absence of my trauma responses more than I’d ever noticed their presence.
In retrospect, however, I can clearly see my behavioral signs of trauma:
Obsessive checking. While I don’t have clinical OCD, I did develop obsessive-compulsive tendencies as a trauma-induced coping mechanism. Because I was frequently abused and punished for my imperfections, I learned to double/triple/quadruple check things to ensure I hadn’t made a mistake (and therefore, wouldn’t be abused). This obsessive behavior goes beyond thoroughness to an irrational level of obsessive checking.
While I’ve done a lot of healing and years of therapy, this behavior still pops up when I’m stressed. A couple weeks ago, while waiting on a Teladoc call for my ear infection, I opened the app and signed in every 3–5 minutes to ensure I hadn’t missed the appointment. My trauma response told me if I missed the call, everyone would be mad at me for being so irresponsible. It would also be my fault for not getting the help I needed. And so, even though my ringer was on in anticipation of the call, and I knew logically I was still waiting, I kept signing into the app to ensure I had not, in fact, missed the call.
Constant apologizing. I remember a long stretch of time as a child in which I constantly repeated, “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me. Will you forgive me?” to the people in my life any time they looked or seemed anything other than happy. This extended beyond empathy and into the realm of feeling emotionally responsible for others’ emotions and reactions. I wasn’t apologizing only when I’d done something wrong—I was apologizing for not emotionally regulating others. Because my parent had conditioned me to appease their emotions and adapt to their constant mood changes, I was left to emotionally appease and apologize my way out of abuse.
Like the obsessive checking, this behavior still happens when I’m especially stressed or overwhelmed. Thankfully, though, I have healthy people in my life who gently and lovingly remind me I don’t need to apologize when I’ve done nothing wrong.
Not being allowed to speak for myself. This sign of abuse can be especially subtle. As a child and young adult, it was extremely common for my abusive parent to answer questions directed at me by other adults (especially ones we knew well). Rather than allowing me to speak for myself and answer questions about my life and interests, my parent would often jump in and respond. I’m sure my parent was afraid of what I might say, of what truth I may accidentally reveal about the way things really were.
This was played off as me being shy, and while I don’t enjoy being put on the spot, I don’t have a problem with verbal communication. I spoke at both my high school and college graduations, for goodness’ sake. So, if you direct questions towards someone who almost never answers for themself, it’s very possible something else is going on.
It’s important to note that I’m not a mental health professional, and these are only a few ways in which abuse and trauma can manifest.
If you’re trying to identify an abusive or traumatic situation (with no apparent physical signs of trauma), pay attention to stress responses and behavioral patterns. And process this all in therapy. It’s incredibly complex and too great a burden to bear alone.
