Exploring the Gray: Mental Illness

Let’s talk about mental illness and the church. (Super fun and light, I know.)

But having a mentally-ill parent is hard. 

Being told that as a Christian, it’s your job to fix that parent, is devastating. Especially when that parent doesn’t want to get better.

You see, God is a gentleman. He doesn’t force His healing on people who don’t want it, who won’t admit they need it. 

Talking about mental illness and abuse doesn’t exactly fall under “casual conversation topics.” I get that.

I get that many people don’t understand what it's like to grow up with a mentally-ill parent. I get that most people don’t have the words to navigate these icky conversations. 

But, sometimes well-meaning people cause a lot of damage. 

• “I’ll pray for God to help you help her.”
• “If you just had more grace, love, and forgiveness, it would be okay.”

I carried shame and guilt for years, hearing words like these. Believing I'd failed to make her better. That it was my fault she was sick. That if I had just tried harder, she wouldn’t have left. That I wasn’t a “good Christian” because I hadn’t fixed my parent.

If only these well-meaning people knew...

• the years of manipulation and abuse. 
• the countless hours of therapy. 
• the number of nights I cried myself to sleep. 
• the Christmas Eve she said she wanted a different daughter. 
• how she eventually decided that leaving was the easiest option. 

I know that people mean well and that they don't often know how to respond. But platitudes are rarely helpful.

Spiritualizing away other people’s pain is not only unhelpful, but it also lacks compassion and empathy.

Mental illness is such a gray space, especially in the church. Not everyone who has mental illness wants help. Not everyone who wants help has access to the right counseling and medications.

And not everyone knows how to listen with empathy and grace. 

But in this place of feeling hurt and misunderstood by people, I’ve been comforted and known by God. In my tears and pain, He’s tenderly healed my heart. In the brokenness of my biological family, He’s surrounded me with people who have become like family.

There is no one-size-fits all solution to help people suffering from mental illness or the people close to them.

But there is an opportunity to show up with compassion and grace in peoples’ places of pain. To listen without fixing. To walk alongside them in the hard places.

There are lots of answers I don’t have: why mental illness exists, why some people suffer while other don’t, why some people want help and healing while others don’t.

But I've learned that God is present and compassionate in our hard places. And as His people, we have the opportunity to do the same.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

-Psalm 103:8