Defining Spiritual Abuse

January is Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month. As someone who grew up experiencing spiritual abuse, I want to help other people recognize and break free from it. 

What is spiritual abuse? Here’s how Christianity Today defines it:

Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse.
It is characterized by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour in a religious context.
Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it.

This abuse may include:

manipulation and exploitation,
enforced accountability,
censorship of decision making,
requirements for secrecy and silence,
coercion to conform, [inability to ask questions]
control through the use of sacred texts or teaching,
requirement of obedience to the abuser,
the suggestion that the abuser has a ‘divine’ position,
isolation as a means of punishment,
and superiority and elitism.

At its core, spiritual abuse is someone using God to get what they want from others. The abuser puts themselves in a god-like position to control and manipulate others. 

Having seen this play out countless times, I understand how this type of abuse can be difficult to pinpoint. It can be hard to spot at first because it’s often cloaked in misapplied scripture and spiritual-sounding language: “If you were really a Christian…” or “God told me to tell you…”

Spiritual abuse can play out both in individual relationships or on a grander scale by spiritual authority figures (such as church leaders). 

Growing up, my mental ill parent used spiritual abuse to control me. I wasn’t allowed to respectfully disagree or ask questions because that meant I wasn’t honoring my parents, and therefore, God. The message I internalized was that asking questions and voicing my thoughts made God mad at me. Staying silent and complicit felt “holier.”

I also came to believe my goal as a human and a Christian was to make my parent happy—even more so than following God’s plans for me. It took me a lot of years (and counseling) to untangle who God actually is from who I’d been told He is. It’s been an exhausting process of deconstructing lies and reconstructing with truth.

If you suspect you’re a victim of spiritual abuse, listen to your gut. Don’t silence your inner feelings of doubt. Ask questions. Seek professional help. 

And, above all, please know this: even though people may have used God to manipulate you, His heart is never for abuse. He cares about your spiritual health, freedom, and healing.