Being a Friend to Those with Mentally Ill Family Members
Mental illness is difficult—both for those who suffer from it and for their family and friends. The hardest years of my life were certainly the ones most intimately affected by my parent’s mental illness.
I’m thankful to have some incredible people who walked with me through that season, even when they weren’t sure exactly what to say or how to love me well. Their presence and consistency in showing up spoke volumes to me.
Now that I’m on the other side of those heart-wrenching years, I wanted to examine the things that made me feel seen and loved in the pain. Truthfully, I think these ideas are good ways to love our friends, regardless of whether or not they have a mentally ill family member or other difficult situation.
So, here are some things that did (and didn’t) help me when I was in the thick of it with my mentally ill parent. Although a lot of these things seem obvious, I’ve found that sometimes the simplest ways of showing up for people can also be the most beautiful.
Do:
Listen. Truly, this is one of the greatest gifts. When things were especially rough, the best way friends supported me was by actively listening without simply listening to react or respond. They engaged with my story and my pain without trying to fix the situation or tie the conversation up with a bow at the end.
Empathize. Again, this feels obvious. However, it’s helpful to remember that empathy goes beyond simply feeling sorry for someone’s difficult situation and extends into imagining what it would feel like to be in that situation. I’ve felt deeply cared for by people who have empathized with my story: “Wow, that must have been so hard.” “I can only imagine how that must feel.”
Pray. This may feel like a “spiritual cop out,” but I don’t mean it that way. I think it’s really easy to say, “I’m praying for you,” only to forget all about praying for that person. (At least, this is easy for me to do.) In the middle of the chaos, when friends would actually take a moment to pray for me right then and there, I knew they really were praying for me.
Follow up. When people are hurting, there’s a tendency to not mention the situation, as though we’re afraid of reminding our friends they’re in painful circumstances. Trust me—they haven’t forgotten. Even when it feels awkward, a well-placed, “Hey, how are you really doing?” or “How did that hard conversation go?” reminds people that they (and their pain) are not forgotten.
Don’t:
Make assumptions. It’s easy to insert our own experience into other people’s stories without meaning to. Then, we can begin forming ideas that may or may not be true about the person’s situation: “I think he’s exaggerating—the situation can’t really be that bad.” “Maybe she isn’t put forth enough effort into the relationship. I’m sure if she just spent more time with that person, things would get better.” Not only is this type of thinking unhelpful, it takes the energy you put into the friendship away from actually being supportive.
Offer unsolicited advice. Unless people explicitly ask for advice, choose to listen and empathize without sharing suggestions for how you’d handle the situation.
Keep turning the focus back to the person causing the harm. When things were really bad in my family, so many people would ask me how my parent was doing. They rarely asked me how I was doing. Now, I know not every situation is like mine. However, I think it’s most helpful to focus attention on caring for your friend, rather than asking about the person causing the harm. (Think, “How are you doing"? instead of “How are they doing?”) It’s a simple shift, but it’s a meaningful one.
Use platitudes. These are phrases such as, “just trust God,” or, “keep the faith.” I have a lot of feelings about platitudes (and about most things, for that matter). But the heart of my dislike for these phrases is this: in general, they’re more harmful than helpful. You can read more about what to say instead of platitudes here.
I know many of these suggestions are simple, but I pray they’re helpful as you walk alongside friends in difficult circumstances. The fact that you’re reading this blog and want to be a good friend shows you care.
My final thought is this: don’t put pressure on yourself to be “a perfect friend.” Instead, focus on being “a present friend.” Sometimes, showing up really is the best thing you can to show you care.
