Loving across Differences

In my recent Substack newsletter, I discussed an increasingly common phenomenon in faith spaces: gatekeeping who deserves love, rather than following Jesus’ example of actually loving all people. 

It’s easy to love people we like or those with whom we agree—but when we reduce love to alignment or agreement, it ceases to be love at all.

So what does it look like to truly love others, regardless of our differences? While this is by no means an extensive list, here are five ways to practically love others in everyday life:

Listen with curiosity.

The apologetics era of Christianity taught us to listen to other viewpoints—not to deepen understanding but to argue. However, listening for the sake of convincing others they’re wrong doesn’t build relationships or demonstrate love. (I’d also suggest that listening to argue isn’t really listening at all.) However, we can resist the urge to react in hearing what people have to say. We can release the need to counter with our opinions and instead seek understanding of others’ beliefs and experiences. Practicing curiosity, and listening purely to understand, illustrates that loving and knowing others is more important than our need to be right.

Follow up on things they’ve shared.

Following up is a simple yet profound way to demonstrate love. I feel incredibly seen and cared for when friends remember and check in on things I’ve shared with them. Remembering and following up on details of others’ lives—their job challenges, complicated family dynamics, and personal goals—demonstrates that people in their everyday lives matter and are worth remembering.

Respect what people do and don’t choose to share.

I’ve seen the concepts of vulnerability and accountability misconstrued in some faith communities as an entitlement to know others’ private information. There’s a sense that shared faith means unfettered access to people’s private information, regardless of whether or not there’s a foundation of relationship. In actually demonstrating love, though, we can respect what others want to share with no sense of entitlement to their information—and without divulging what they do share to others.

Offer specific help.

When people are experiencing challenges, our tendency is often to offer unsolicited advice. A far better way to show care is to ask how we can support others, offering options of things we’re able to do. Presenting suggestions helps remove the mental load of people figuring out their specific needs on top of everything else. Our offers can be as simple as, “I hate that you’re having to walk through this hard situation. Would it be helpful for me to bring you dinner on Thursday or watch the kids this weekend?” While “I’m here if you need anything” is a nice sentiment, being specific in our offers makes it easier for others to accept and receive help.

Simply be present.

Loving people well often looks like showing up simply for the sake of being present—with no ulterior motives. Most people, especially when they’re weary or hurting, don’t want unsolicited advice or for others to solve their problems. Instead, most people simply want to feel seen, heard, and known in both their hardest and most mundane days. Being a consistent presence in someone’s life, bearing witness to both their joy and pain, is a gift.

While the idea of loving and showing up for others—especially when we have differences—can feel elusive and daunting, it doesn’t need to be. Sometimes, the most meaningful acts of love are simple, intentional, and consistent.